This trip to Bali with Lena, was very, very different
It was different with the first time we met, it was different with the time i went to St.Peterburgs to see her. The 10 days we had in Bali, it feels like a year
You know how we says that living together changes everything? So true, truer than what i would like truth to be.
This trip to Bali, I left Ha Noi in a mess and as a mess. I loaned money to leave, I was broke till my last cents, shit loads of things didn't go anywhere near fine. I carried a baggage way too heavy, and finally our language barrier caught up to us. We try and try, and for the better or worse, we know each other beyond the goodness greatness and bonded us before.
I know we are so alike it is kinda terrifying. But now I also know that there still will be things that I can't never tell her even if we don't have to use google translate.
Bali was amazing, and Lena thrives on all things. Photos, videos, here and there. As usual everyone loves her, and even that we started out on a bad plan, we managed. This trip is like a roller coaster ride, if what we had before was our "honeymoon phase" , this is the definition of marriage. Housing issue, money issue, misunderstandings and making up and still fall asleep in the same bed every night.
Lena used to see me like how I see her: something so far yet so near. Very similar, oh so different.
This time, Lena saw me manic. Lena saw me depressed. Lena saw me high. Lena saw me angry, and pissed off, and being a piece of shit I am. Lena saw me try, Lena saw me cry, Lena smelled me full of pukes, Lena brings a cup of water to me and kiss my forehead.
I am back in Hanoi now, and it is soon to be new year. This will be my first ever Vietnam New Year to be all alone in Hanoi. I am terrified of the holidays, I understand why the suicide rate are much higher on these occasions.
Vietnam new year is the ultimate family "thing", you have to go see every single siblings alive, you have to hear all the damn fucking songs about how precious your parent is, you know how it goes, bla bla bla. I was supposed to go to Cali to be with my sister on New Years Eve, but I spent everything on this Bali trip, I have about $20 left to survive this month.
I usually ran away, far far away from this kind of thing, either working or partying or traveling, stuffing my self with food and dates so I don't have to remember how ultimately alone I am. Finally, I had to face it this year. I don't know who to talk to about this kind of thing, because the only thing that is worse than being alone is spending times with people who literally just be with you because they pity you. So much insecurity, so much self doubt, so much fear. I know, I know, I do have people who cares about me, but I can't never ever figure out are they just tolerancing me or not. I need a break from my anxiety, I need a 101 book on "How to not feel like a piece of shits when other people are just trying to take care of you".