This life time in general for me, is a bad trip with a meaningless ending - but the holiday time is the absolutely my very own personal hell at its peak.
It's not like I have a 9-5 job, so everyday I just work from home, which is kind of a C-E-O honeymoon kinda experience where I need to be by my phone 24/7 and I could be having a panic attack about going bankrupt at the same time I could be having a glass of Mudslide while skinny dipping. However, when it is a normal day, everyone was too busy focusing on their overly committed life, no one bats an eye on me with my wrong, so wrong, horrible terrible lifestyle. Now when they are off and they are together and they once got tired of chasing each other's tails, I am the current central of attention.
It is amazing how they can pay so much attention on you, yet give no shit to how you actually are.
I despite the feeling of waking up in the shitty area I live in, hearing my neighbors scolding their children for not looking nice enough for the guest that are visiting them. I despite seeing everyone trying to decorate their living cave with pink flowers just for the show, while the rest of the year the whole area stinks of judgement. The absolute worst is when the bad trying so hard to be not so bad.
But yet again, it could just be me being bitter as fuck for having another year realizing it only could get worse.
Today is exactly a year of me moving out of Singapore. I told myself when I moved out that I would leave after 2 months, then 3 months, then 6 months, then double that. I don't know why I could not leave. I used to be a person who have no fears and only go after what I want, but now that seems to be so useless since I have no "wants" anymore.
Getting out of the house is tough enough without all the people trying to throw their affection for each other at your face. Only if I have a dollar every time someone ask me while am I eating/walking/sitting/breathing alone, where is my family and friends at, I probably would have enough money for me to buy a life time supply of fake cares.
Why do you give yourself a right to pity down on me at a certain time of the year when you never bat an eye for the other eleven months? Days, Months, Years, no one is there, no one stay, and if you don't stick around don't talk around. Everyone said to be yourself, you are unique, you are beautiful, then why the fuck am I so alone? Not one, not even one fucking person to be around with. I know you guys are tired of my craps, I am sorry, even myself is very tired of my own monologues. Existential crisis are expanding out of my head and into my walls, where it keep bouncing back louder and louder and I want to scream because this silent is too damn loud.
Today makes me understand why suicide rates are much higher in holiday seasons.