the upside of being a chronic depressed case in the eyes of friends and co-workers is that I can tell people “sorry I am too sad to...” whatever and they leave me alone
the downside is, they leave me alone
I have been feeling completely shit. That is not news, but that also doesn't make it any less shitty. I recently have gotten more work than ever, I have finally get to where I want to be which is people recognizing me for my work and they have stopped telling me that I am too weird, but instead praising it. But little did I know, when they start praising it, they will start to milk it too. I am now lost again in a completely different battle, and I have no idea how to handle it.
I used the Internet to reach out to people in the first place because I have no one to connect to IRL. Now, I can reach to anyone I want, and yet I am more alone than ever. It is amazing how everything goes back to where it started, people start to see me as a product, as a "thing", as a "her", as something so far away which is exactly what I aimed to be in the first place.
People talk about me in third person on my social media sites. People tell me they feel like they are my best friends and shit when they know nothing more than 1 pictures every 2 days. No one believes me when I said I don't earn shit and I am poor, and right now if I brand tells me they can't pay me, it is not because they couldn't afford to but it is because they expect me to do charity.
Beside work, life is not much better. Same amount of friends for about 10 years, the numbers just keep decreasing when you age and yet you keep getting worse at talking to people. I can, I can talk. It is just I can talk for about 10 minutes and then I probably need to run away from you forever because I don't want you to know me. You don't know me like I don't know me.
I couldn't get out from my room anymore. I used to despite people with body odor, and now I stink and I don't care anymore just because I am afraid of seeing my body in the bathroom mirror. When was the last time I brush my teeth?
And yeah, I am still expected to go out, put on make up and shoot some damn photos if I don't want to starve to death.
you wanna hear some seriously funny stuff? I got a book deal, to write a story about my life. Basically a 21 years diary. I couldn't pick up the pen to write a single word and instead I lay on the floor for about 1 month, holding my knees tight to my chest. I spend the spare time looking at the phone writing blog and tweeting to distract myself from the pile of meat in the mirror.
I feel disgusting. I am disgusted about my own disgustingness and yet I feel too disgusting to do anything about my disgustingness. I am the disgusted.